When he's not busy hanging out with porn stars, flirting with entertainment reporters, or showing off his Spanish-speaking skills, Rob Gronkowski has been developing into the most talked about non-quarterback star in the NFL. He had the best statistical season ever for a tight end, setting records for most receiving yards (1,327) and touchdowns (18) at the position. The biggest story leading up to the Super Bowl not involving Peyton Manning has been the status of Gronkowski's ankle heading into the game on Sunday. Other than Tom Brady and Eli Manning, Gronk has been the most in-demand athlete in Indianapolis this week. This kind of attention is unprecedented for a tight end, and while I would like to believe that the attention is due to his fantastic play on the field, the reality is that his popularity has skyrocketed not just because of his play, but because he has become the perfect representation of the modern day bro.
In order to properly convey how Rob Gronkowski has emerged as the ultimate personification of bro culture, I will now proceed to use as many bro puns as I possibly can before throwing myself in front of a moving car (Wax broetic, if you will). Gronk (no true bro would ever address him by his slave name) emits a brodor only emulated by the most brolific corporate slimeballs. In every Gronk interview I have seen, he maintains a perfect broker (poker for the uninitiated) face while giving stock answers to questions from reporters. He uses every interview cliche in the book, such as the classic "taking it day by day" or "I do what's best for the team," and he does so with classic bro cadence, over-enunciating every vowel as though he believes that will satisfy the reporters who have gravitated to him like he's the center of the brolar system.
Giving these uninteresting stock answers to the media is the classic "Patriot Way" under Bill Belichick, but Gronk is the one Patriot who has seemingly transcended the blandness of said "Patriot Way" and made it endearing. Perhaps his broad grin (pun intended) that never leaves his face stands as the main reason, but in actuality, what sets Gronk apart and elevates him to a seat on the Bro High Council is his voice. The Pennsylvania accent combined with his forceful baritone diction and perfectly tuned brofaw makes for a truly brommanding presence.
Think about other great tight ends currently in the NFL: Jimmy Graham, Tony Gonzalez, Antonio Gates, Vernon Davis, Jason Witten, even Gronk's own teammate Aaron Hernandez. They're all fantastic players who are revolutionizing the way the position is played, and yet nobody considers them fascinating beyond the gridiron. They may be classy (an adjective that has been used to describe Tony Gonzalez for over a decade), but classy is less interesting than a cricket match. Gronk has capitalized on his amazing play and earned the admiration of not just bros, but all football fans, consequently becoming the most famous tight end in NFL history.
There are dozens of Gronk tribute videos on Youtube, Jim Brome (the voice of all sports bros) talks about him every with the brimming enthusiasm of a 12-year-old girl talking about Justin Bieber, and "Gronk" has even turned into a verb. Whereas "Tebowing" is defined as assuming the thinker pose, "Gronking" involves throwing something to the ground as forcefully as possible to imitate a classic Gronk touchdown spike. Even more amazing: Gronk has taken it all in stride, participating in many videos that capitalize on his brodom.
Of course, whenever a star emerges so quickly as Mr. Gronkowski has, there is always a backlash. It has not arrived yet from the general public, but I feel bound by my duties as a broologist in training to warn everyone of the coming bropocalypse. Gronk has become so ubiquitous within the pop culture landscape these days that there is a strong risk of a brovelution. Soon, everyone will talk and act like Gronk. Gronking will evolve from spiking footballs to spiking babies. Bro will become the new official language of the United States. In other words, if Rob Gronkowski's star continues to rise, we could be headed for a disaster of biblical broportions. In conclusion: Go Giants!
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