As we all know, the world is going to end on December 21st. The Mayans said so; therefore, it must be true. Knowing in the end is near so far in advance allows the entire population to get their affairs in order and start marking things off their bucket list like visiting the Great Wall of China, going to the Super Bowl, or getting laid. Another great advantage to knowing the end is near is that people like me can figure out what movies I should see in the theater before that fateful day. With the exception of my most anticipated movie, I will not have a problem seeing any of these films before the end of the world, though one of them is fittingly being released on the day of the apocalypse. However, I would have no problem seeking out my number one film before December 21st. If I do it legally, I can splash the cash and the long-term consequences of my reckless spending will be irrelevant. If I see the film through illegal or nefarious means, the American legal process takes so long that I wouldn’t be charged with anything before the end of the world. It’s a win-win scenario! Now, without further ado, here are my twelve most anticipated movies of 2012:
1. Django Unchained (Dec. 25th)
Any Quentin Tarantino film is great cause for anticipation, especially coming off what in my opinion may be his best film (Inglourious Basterds). The fact that he’s finally making a spaghetti-western type of film after littering all of his previous movies with references to the works of his favorite director Sergio Leone is the icing on the cake. But the cast of this “southern,” as he calls it, is whatever can go on top of the icing. Check out this cast: Jamie Foxx, Leonardo DiCaprio, Christoph Waltz (aka Hans Landa), Kurt Russell, Samuel L. Jackson, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, and Sacha Baron Cohen. Are you freaking kidding me?!? I’d watch these guys do a public reading of Twilight (more Twilight bashing to come)! This has the makings of a true masterpiece to put alongside Leone’s best work and if I have to kill someone to see this movie before the world ends, I would give it some serious thought.
2. The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (Dec. 14th)
It’s pretty amazing that my two most anticipated films of 2012 are brushing right up against that December 21st deadline, but in the case of the Hobbit, I should have no problem seeing the hopefully glorious return of Peter Jackson to the remarkable world he created with the original Lord of the Rings trilogy. I was giddily looking forward to this one before the trailer even came out. After watching that trailer at least ten times, I can now say that my anticipation for this film is at fever pitch. Yes, the film is in 3-D (more on my hatred for the format later) and the book that is shorter than any of the Lord of the Rings books will be split into two films, one of which will never see the light of day because the Mayans said so, while each of those books only got one movie. In spite of these things, the film looks to be the most spectacular visual feast of 2012 with dwarves, goblins, trolls, and, of course, Smaug the dragon (who will be voiced by the man whose diction almost lives up to the brilliance of his name: Benedict Cumberbatch). Add in the perfectly cast Martin Freeman as Bilbo and you have a film that looks to fit right in with its predecessors at the top of the fantasy genre.
3. The Dark Knight Rises (Jul. 20th)-
In most years, this film would be a slam dunk number one choice for me. It’s the sequel to the best superhero movie of all time and the conclusion to one of the great trilogies of this generation. For good measure, director Christopher Nolan cast my new favorite actor, Tom Hardy, as the main villain, Bane. Mr. Hardy has a lot to live up after Heath Ledger’s iconic Oscar-winning role, but if anyone can pull it off, it’s him. Even with Anne Hathaway doing her best to ruin the proceedings, I still have faith that this will be a satisfying ending to this trilogy before Warner Brothers ruins its legacy by immediately putting another Batman film into production. I just hope it ends with Bane breaking the Bat.
4. Gravity (Nov. 23rd)
The reason this film is so high on my list above other more high profile films can be summed up in two words: Alfonso Cuaron. The master of the tracking shot is back with his first film since the transcendent Children of Men, which was six years ago (absolutely remarkable: I remember seeing it in the theater like it was yesterday)! He has been working on this film for almost that entire period, so I can only imagine what kind of visual wizardry he has come up with this time around. Even though it takes place in space, this film looks to have a much smaller scope than Children of Men, with George Clooney and Sandra Bullock as the only actors in the cast. I know basically nothing about the plot, but I do not care. Any new film from Cuaron is a cause for celebration, and this one sounds like a better version of Moon.
5. The Avengers (May 4th)
This one is the easiest pick on this list. All of the films leading into this one (Iron Man 2 excluded) were extremely fun popcorn films with engaging lead characters. This time around, geek extraordinaire Joss Whedon is at the reins, and while his only previous feature directing credit is the underrated Serenity (the conclusion to his even more underrated series Firefly), I believe that he will be able to handle the technical side just fine with the people at Marvel totally behind him. Where Whedon’s involvement excites me most is in how he will be able to bring all of these characters with big personalities together to fight evil as one unit. Robert Downey Jr., Chrises Hemsworth and Evans are all great in their roles and Tom Hiddleston is equally up to the challenge as the villain Loki, so look for these guys to avenge the world before it ends seven months later.
6. Prometheus (June 8th)
Ridley Scott returning to the Alien universe? Yes, please! While Sir Ridley was coy about whether this really was an Alien prequel, the mysterious trailer seems to signal the affirmative. Ridley has also assembled the best cast on paper of any of the Alien films, with the original Girl With the Dragon Tattoo Noomi Rapace being supported by Charlize Theron, Michael Fassbender (my other new favorite actor), and Idris Elba (STRINGER BEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!). I have very high expectations for this film. Ridley Scott finally returns to the genre that made him a legend (no pun intended, Legend fans!), and if that’s not a good enough reason to look forward to Prometheus, then no hope exists for the human race
7. Looper (Sep. 28th)
This looks to be first challenger to Inception for the best mind-bending thriller of the Twitter generation, and the premise is a bit hard to comprehend to say the least. However, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt (this year’s Michael Fassbender) and Bruce Willis playing the younger and older versions of the same character, color me intrigued. This looks to be director Rian Johnson’s first attempt at a big mainstream Hollywood film, and if his past work is any indication, it could be something that will get everyone talking.
8. Brave (June 22nd)
It’s the newest film from Pixar. It’s going to be great. The end.
9. Gangster Squad (Oct. 19th)
Director Ruben Fleischer (Zombieland, 30 Minutes or Less) makes the jump from raunchy comedy to serious drama for what looks to be a spiritual companion to one of my favorite movies of all time, L.A. Confidential. Like that film, this one takes place in 1950s Los Angeles with LAPD detectives (played by Josh Brolin and Ryan Gosling) trying to bring down Mickey Cohen’s criminal empire. However, the difference between the two films is that Cohen is a major character in Gangster Squad, and he will embodied by Sean Penn, which looks to be genius casting. The film is going to have fantastic production and costume design because the era and location lend themselves to glitz and glamour of mainstream cinema. However, the success of this film could fall on Emma Stone, who is taking a major departure to play a femme fatale. If she succeeds like Kim Basinger did in L.A. Confidential, We could have one of the best double features of all time.
10. World War Z (Dec. 21st)
What better way to celebrate the end of the world than to see a movie about the end of the world? Max Brooks’ best-selling zombie novel comes to life as a big-budget spectacle with Brad Pitt as a researcher traveling the world to document the zombie apocalypse and its effect on humanity. Chalk this one up to Pitt’s involvement and the genius premise. Let’s just hope that director Marc Forster doesn’t screw up this blockbuster like the last one he did.
11. The Hunger Games (Mar. 23rd)
While most major publications would probably have this movie at the very top of their most anticipated lists, I leave it for the second to last spot on this list with the condition that it could climb if I read the book before the movie comes out. My anticipation comes solely from the trailer, which makes the film look like a tamer futuristic version of Battle Royale. With my new celebrity crush Jennifer Lawrence playing the lead, I am totally there. 2012 is the perfect year for this dystopic film to come out, and I expect it to make gobs of money and get a sequel greenlighted but never produced (again: apocalypse).
12. Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter (June 22nd)
I just had to put this one on here, almost for the title alone. I can’t think of a more hilarious premise for a would-be summer blockbuster! I understand that this is the one film on this list that has the potential to be a complete train wreck, but I don’t care. Honest Abe murders vampires! With an ax! How can you not love this?!?
Now, I count down the five (really, eight) films coming out in 2012 that are signs that the apocalypse might have already arrived, we just don’t know it yet because we’re stuck in the Matrix. These may not actually technically be the worst films of 2012, but with the exception of number five, all of these films would be contenders for Razzies in 2013 if the apocalypse was averted (it won’t be) and ceremony were to take place. These are not just bad films, they are misguided ones and signals that Hollywood studio executives just don’t give a shit anymore. The choices will be revealed from five to one, so as to make one think “there’s a worse-sounding movie than this?”
5. The 3-D re-releases: Beauty and the Beast (Jan; 13th), Star Wars Episode I (Feb. 10th), Titanic (Apr. 6th), Finding Nemo (Sep. 14th)
Further proof that Hollywood studio executives don’t give a shit anymore: they keep trying to force feed 3-D to a movie-going audience that, for the most part, doesn’t want it. Tickets for these films are expensive and make live-action films look like animated ones and animated films look worse period. Is it any wonder that ticket sales reached a 20-year low in 2011? Yes, the total box office was barely down from 2010, but that’s because people were dumb enough to see movies in 3-D. Even dumber people went to the theater to see a movie in 3-D that they already own (The Lion King) and made Disney a ton of money. Now in 2012, three films are looking to duplicate The Lion King’s success, and for the sake of humanity, I hope they all fail for different reasons. Beauty and the Beast is undoubtedly one of Disney’s best, but as anyone with a brain knows, the best way to watch all those Disney classics from my childhood are on original VHS. Converting it to 3-D makes the film seem artificial when in reality it has more beauty and heart than any Disney movie of the last fifty years. The re-release of “Finding Nemo” in 3-D is yet another sobering cash grab for Disney. The 2003 release is the second-highest grossing Pixar movie ever after Toy Story 3! I guess because Toy Story 3 had the benefit of 3-D prices and Nemo did not, Pixar felt they to have Nemo’s total box office match or exceed Toy Story 3. As for Star Wars and Titanic being released in 3-D, we need to stop giving two long-past-their-prime filmmakers our hard earned money like it’s a Pavlovian reflex. James Cameron and especially George Lucas need to go crawling back into their garish McMansions to count their Mcmillions for the rest of time.
4. Live-action fairytales: Mirror, Mirror (Mar. 16th), Jack the Giant Killer (Jun. 25th)
When I saw the trailers for both of these movies, I was floored, and not in the same way that I was floored by the trailer for Children of Men. I almost thought they were expensive joke trailers, but then I saw that famous people like Julia Roberts and Ewan McGregor were in these and I realized that I was wrong. They both look atrociously awful, but in completely opposite ways. Mirror, Mirror looks like a film where nobody in the production was taking it seriously and they just thought that they could put this thing out, no harm no foul. Seriously, it looks like a film made with infants as the target audience. Meanwhile, Jack the Giant Killer looks to be taking itself WAY too seriously and in turn coming off as an insult to our intelligence for thinking the movie-going public wants a legitimate Jack and the Beanstalk movie. I outwardly hope for movies to fail all the time (like every single one on this list), but I make special exceptions in the cases of these films because that will mean that the trend of making popular fairy tales into blockbusters will go the way of Osama Bin Laden, Muammar Qadaffi, and Kim Jong-Il.
3. The Three Stooges (Apr. 13th)
After seeing the trailer for this movie, I understood why actors such as Jim Carrey, Benicio Del Toro, and Sean Penn passed on it. To put it nicely: it looks awful. One would think that it was made by the guys who made Epic Movie and Disaster Movie and all those heaps of crap, but then I see that it’s the Farrelly Brothers behind it, and my heart sinks. This is the same duo who gave us two comedy classics, Dumb and Dumber and There’s Something About Mary! Now they’re trying to bring back a franchise from sixty years ago (which rarely works anyway) that has not aged well at all. I’ve tried to watch a couple old Three Stooges shorts and it’s almost as bad as watching Aqua Teen Hunger Force. As if that didn’t sound bad enough, this film has Snooki in it. Need I say more?
2. The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part 2 (Nov. 16th)
Before I lay into this pile, I am going to go on record and say that typing that whole title caused me actual physical pain. Actually, you know what? I’m not going to really lay into the movie itself because there’s really no point. Men the world over have spent countless hours wondering why the hell their wives, girlfriends, and women everywhere have become obsessed with this horribly written, morally dangerous vermin? I’m just going to say that if I find out a girl I’m dating likes Twilight, it’s over before you can say “sparkling vampires.” If you like Twilight, you may be a good person, but you’re not someone I see myself with long-term. Sorry, ladies. It’s for the best.
1.Battleship (May 18th)
When I was double checking the release dates for all of these films and saw when this one was coming out, I let out one of those Gaston-like hearty laughs because May 18th is my brother’s birthday. When I tell him that this movie comes out on his birthday, he’ll look at me like he just found out Michele Bachmann would become the President of the United States. This film is my number one sign of the apocalypse from the world of cinema for many reasons, but I’m only going to list five.
1. It’s based on a board game that is as uncinematic as watching someone sleep for eight hours.
2. Some studio thought it was a genius idea to make a movie out of this uncinematic boardgame, and then thought it was an even more genius idea to invest $200 million into its production.
3. It has Rihanna playing a tough Naval soldier. Seriously, these people aren’t even trying.
4. Based on the trailer, it looks exactly like the fourth Transformers movie, which means it has to be directed by Michael Bay, right? Wrong. Unfortunately, it’s directed by Peter Berg, who has actually done good work in the past (Friday Night Lights, both versions). Now that FNL the show is over, he must be going through a midlife crisis, so he decided to take it out on the human race, both on film and in real life.
5. It’s a movie about the end of the world! In 2012! Of course it’s a sign!
Add in the fact that it actually stars three actors I like a lot (Alexander Skarsgaard, Taylor Kitsch, and the one and only Liam Neeson) and one “actress” I like looking at a lot (Brooklyn Decker), and you’ve the potential for a crapsterpiece that only Michael Bay could previously aspire to. Congratulations, Mr. Berg. I secretly hope that millions of people are dumb enough to pay money to see this thing because it would be the ultimate sign that the end was indeed nigh.
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